“I do what I want, Thor!”

Being a writer is funny sometimes. (Okay, a lot of the time, but you know what I mean). It’s funny because I can sit in front of the computer, or on my bed, or wherever I’m writing, and I can delve into the heart of some of humanity’s deepest problems. I can travel to the highest heights, I can sink to the lowest depths,Β  I can kill with a stroke of my pen and breathe life with the next. I’m perfectly happy.

And then I go upstairs and snap at my sister, argue with my mom, rain on everyone’s parade, and behave like a three-year-old. I feel rather like Loki. “I’m so much cleverer than everyone else, and I have so much power over these lives, but I’m going to spend it making other people unhappy. I do what I want, Thor!” Not that I intend to make others unhappy – in fact, one of my greatest joys is doing just the opposite! – but something gets in the way.

Namely, me.

‘Me’ is a funny little thing. It starts out small; a bright, happy, fluffy creature. But it doesn’t like to be looked at. The more you look at it and admire how adorable and pretty it is, the meaner, uglier, and bigger it grows until you’re too fascinated to look away, but you’re no longer looking at what you had before.

I have a major problem with anger. Now, it isn’t always a major problem – it rears its hideous head every few years, and I find my temper on a short leash. I get angry at the slightest thing, and I’m really not a very nice person. (Note: It isn’t that I’m mean all the time, but my reactions to things are pretty ugly even if they’re gone in an instant).

So, I guess you could say my anger problem comes from a self-centeredness problem. Sigh. I hate re-learning things, but this is something I have to deal with over and over and over again…. it’s so easy to get focused on myself. I’m a fairly private person at home; I sit in my room and read, draw, write, listen to music, and ‘do my thing’ without really engaging in everybody else’s lives. And the funny thing is, while I like being alone, after a while I end up with the short end of the stick. I realize that I don’t know everyone as well as I should, and myself really isn’t the best company.

In short, I need to stop hanging around myself and get out a little more, even if it means just stepping beyond the boundaries of my bedroom door and going upstairs. Often this feels futile; other people are busy, and I end up roped into a game I really don’t want to play or reading on the couch exactly like I would downstairs… but it’s making an effort. And it’s during all those games, or just sitting upstairs and listening, that I catch glimpses of everyone else’s lives.

This goes for all of you, too! I know lots of you are writers, so I’m telling you now – don’t forget to spend time with everyone else, and don’t be dragged into the cyclone of self-centeredness because it ain’t easy to get out of. I love you all bunches.

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28 thoughts on ““I do what I want, Thor!”

  1. It’s true. I find myself doing it, too. Which is why I have to plan time with my family, just to hang out, to play games, and watch Jeopardy together. I don’t have forever with them, and I know I’ll regret neglecting them when we’re all gone, moved out, and nothing is the same.

  2. Thank you for sharing, Mirriam! All very true things. I’m often at my most happy when I’m writing at my desk on my own, so I’m not all smiles and rainbows when someone interrupts me… -.-

    But the truth is, real people, including myself, are so much more important than the ones talking in my head and making me crazy πŸ™‚

    • YES!!! I think lots of people struggle with this; we tend to get so wrapped up in our own world/s that it’s like “WHO INTERRUPTED ME!? GRRRR!” if somebody speaks to us. Which isn’t right, of course, but we do it nonetheless… *sigh*

  3. So very true Mirriam! I’ve been in the midst of a season like this, and it’s such a horrible place to be. In my case it’s a little different, the isolation hasn’t exactly been my fault, but there’s certainly more I could be doing to reach out. I think the best thing I’ve done in a long time is made my night times a time to spend with my little brothers. I’m often reluctant about it when they come to my door for me to read to them or watch a movie in my room, but it wouldn’t feel right not to now. Especially since I’ll be off to college soon. I want to be that older sister that everyone wishes they had, and the only way to do that is to get my head off of me, and onto them. Thanks for the encouragement! πŸ™‚

    • I often feel the isolation isn’t my fault either; sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t, but either way – it’s isolation. Which is never good for us in large doses – no matter how much I like it! ^.^ I want to be the older sister everyone wishes they had, too; it’s another thing I have to keep in mind. YOU CAN DO IT!! =)

  4. At the moment I’m just the opposite (tho, I’m really shy so I like to be alone as opposed to being with lots of people). I find EVERY opportunity to do stuff with my family…and put off writing a bit longer. Procrastination? Yeah…I’m admitting it. But I totally understand this post. And sometimes we (meaning “I”) forget that the important people are the REAL ones…not the ones in our stories.

    Such a personal post. Way to go for putting it out there. πŸ™‚

      • No, I meant genius since you found out the problem and how to fix it and told us to as well. Talking with real people is a good thing. πŸ˜€ So I was just saying thanks for saying it!

  5. If you enlist God to help you overcome yourself (which, by the way, every Christian must do) He will help you; with the drawback that it won’t always be the way you want πŸ™‚ Everyone has their own mess of sin and selfishness issues to deal with, not the least of whom is myself. Memorizing verses relating to your specific issues is an important thing to do, and also plenty of prayer. I’m happy to provide a piece of the latter πŸ™‚ And despite your lumps, I’m both thankful and honored to be counted as your friend. One of the best ways to beat pride, selfishness, and anger is to settle in your mind how amazing you are in God’s eyes so you can forget about yourself and focus on shining that same amazing love of God into other people’s lives. If you ask him to give you that love, He will. I’ve lived it, at work and elsewhere, and I will go so far as to guarantee it. Not that loving will always be easy or without pain, but I imagine you know that already. This was a good post πŸ™‚

  6. It’s always hard to post something like that. I’m glad you did. I’ve been having a bit of a problem with pride sometimes. And as a writer, I like to think I have everything sorted, but the truth is, none of us do.

    Great post! I can identify. πŸ™‚

    • It can be hard, but it’s also relieving, I think. I think we writers often end up with a ‘god complex’ of sorts, no matter how Christian we are. =)

  7. I can definitely relate to those problems… it’s so easy to curl up inside my own little world and hang with my characters instead of letting my poor family know I’m still alive xP

    Thank you for the post! =D

  8. *sigh* It is sooo easy to fall into this trap… Sometimes it is just way too easy to forget that REAL stories in which I could be playing a major role are right outside my door. Selfishness/self-centeredness is such a nasty sin… and when my siblings call me on it, I cringe. πŸ˜› So thank you for the reminder – I think all of us who write need it at one or another!
    Praying for you and myself as we work on this!

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