My thoughts don’t seem to be able to collect this month. Or last month. I feel as if they’re birds in a cage, fluttering wildly against the bars, trying to do what they were meant to do, but unable to escape. It isn’t necessarily a bad feeling, just a mildly annoying one. (Well, sometimes more than mildly, depending on what I want to say.) I don’t have a silver tongue, my sentences are filled with ‘um’s and ‘uh’s and ‘wait, no, hang on’ and ‘that’s-not-what-I-meant’s. It’s only when I put things down on paper (or type it up) that they seem to form a cohesive thought, something understandable and maybe even enjoyable to read. 

I found myself in a gloomy mood this morning, and the weather only personified it in nature. I love gloomy days, but they usually cheer me up and relax me. Today it felt as if it was sympathizing with me – “I understand, there, there.” However, I don’t LIKE to be stuck in a bad mood, so I came downstairs and did a lot of heavy thinking. Heavy, abstract, Piccasso-ish thinking. And I read my Bible, and you know the verse that says Be still, and know that I am God? That one really struck me. I thought – how often am I still, just to listen to Him? How can I actually just know that He is God? They might seem childishly simple, but they felt pretty complex to me.

But then, I’m a Bear of Very Little Brain and I was able to quench my bad mood with some spiritual thought and this picture. I feel a bit sorry for him; I pencilled my bad mood out onto paper and he took the brunt. He looks it, too. He needs a cookie. Poor piskie.

Oddly enough, it helped. It was very relaxing and bad-mood-banishing, and it was one of the rare times that the pencil in my hand actually does what I want it to and I felt very satisfied because it looks like a mix of styles – Burdge and Tony Diterlizzi. Which is a combination that really cannot be beat.

However, to get back to subject of muddled thoughts – see? I can’t even think in a straight line on my BLOG, for crying out loud! – do you ever feel as if there are a million things you want to say, but you have no way to say them? I could have a megaphone and an amplifier set up in front of me, along with one of those little clip-on microphones, and I would still be unable to open my mouth and do anything but squeak “Er.”

It’s odd I should feel so scattered – that’s the word! Scattered! – considering life is looking up. My brain seems to have wrapped itself – FINALLY – around algebra, and I”m nearly done with it – a month more, maybe – and, while this may not seem like a big deal to you, it is to me. Compare it to a helicopter rescuing a drowning swimmer who’s being attacked by sharks and sucked into a vortex.

I know I always feel a little broody when I’m starting a book – when I’m starting a book that requires deep thought, anyhow. Since I’ve begun the Shadows Lengthen, my mind has been serious and deep and my Facebooking has been fluffly and fangirly (apparently I can’t do both). Remember when I said in THIS post

our brains are too full of the cosmos inside, spinning with ideas and characters and plots and subplots and lines and situations and costumes and details and POV’s and books that most information we receive tends to leak out drains marked ‘Unimportant.’ (Which is, of course, very handy for a writer, but awful for life skills.)

Well, I have another theory. When a Christian begins a book – knowing full well the responsibility laid upon their shoulders to speak the truth and shed light on darkness to the best of their ability – I think satan attacks stronger than ever. I think he sends little, black, ugly demons to scrabble at your brain and rot your inspiration and attack every noble thought you wanted to put to paper.

To hold a pen is to be at war.

And therefore, I’m at war, and have been for quite a while. The nice thing is that I know, with God’s help, I will come out the victor and my book WILL be written and I WILL write the words I was meant to write, but I have to perservere. I have to push through the brooding periods at the beginning of my novels, when my brain is spinning with plots and ideas and allegorical streaks and my characters are jabbering in my ears, and I have to write.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

And if you actually stuck through and read this post, I’m amazed and proud and you deserve one of the cookies I’d reserved for the forlorn piskie up there. ^_^

Credendo Vides,



18 thoughts on “Hello

    • Aw, Ashley, you make me smile and want to give you a hug because you have such an unrealistic view of me XD (((((((((HUG))))))))

  1. Spiritual warfare is a very present reality for Christians, even though many don’t know it. I’ve experienced a lot of it in the past few months. As for confused thoughts, I know that feeling all too well. Annoying is a good word for it. The simple is often most complicated, whether in the Bible or in life. Just keep on writing. God has given you a great gift in that department, and the fact that you’re having difficulty putting it together probably means you are on the right track. Enlist the Spirit’s help and beat up the devil!

  2. I have a card at work I’m getting ready to send to a friend who has had a rough shake of things—life changing things. It reads “You are facing a giant, a big nasty, impossibly strong giant and the way a head looks impassable. That’s the bad news. The good news is that you have a powerful, loving, miracle-working you-claiming God and he doesn’t just stand on the sidelines and cheer you on, oh no. He rides into battle to fight FOR you, to rescue you, because He loves you.” I’m thinking I need to buy a whole pack. 😉 And keep one for myself and send one to you, too. You know, as a reminder.

  3. “To hold a pen is to be at war.” Very dark and profound. And so true in your life – I love the perspective you give in this post of what it is like to be “with book” as opposed to “with child”. In some ways, it is the same. I love you with all me heart, and am so proud of who you are and how you desire to let God work through you. Keep writing (and drawing – you know, whatever take that pen)! ♥

    • Mom, this is one of my favorite comments EVER! Thank you so much!!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ‘With Book’ – I’m going to use that phrase all the time now. ^.^

  4. I also loved the line, “To hold a pen is to be at war.” It’s just really… I can’t explain it. I just think it’s a really wonderful phrase. 😉

    And that pixie? Wow, he’s fabulous. I love all your drawings! But I think he’s an especially good one.

    …I wish I had something coherent to say. Whatever. Just wanted to say that.

    And yay for figuring out algebra! I had to retake algebra this year and I didn’t enjoy it. I have my EOC in a few weeks. :/ I’m hoping I’ve figured out algebra.

  5. “do you ever feel as if there are a million things you want to say, but you have no way to say them?” Yes! All the time!!!! This just made my day. And the phrase “To hold a pen is to be at war.” So true and awesome!!!
    And the pikeise is gorgeous!!! Please give him a chocolate chip cookie. Oh! And give hime a name please. I love him , he is sooo cute!!!
    Okay, I think I’m done now.
    God Bless,

    • I love your comments, Autumn! They’re always so enthusiastic! Okay, a name – his name is Greskin! And he has the temperment of Eeyor. XD

  6. I feel so happy to find more minds like me. Although I do not write a lot my mind is beyond calm, and most of the time thinking straight is quite impossible! But I think regardless of how each and everyone thinks, God made us each a mind filled with many of great things. And I must say, your mind is chock full of them! Oh…and by the way, where’s my cookie? 🙂

    Keep up the excellent writing, I truly love it!

    • Hello, Woflman10!! Great to have you here, welcome, salutations and all that! You may certainly have a chocolate chip cookie, though the cyber-transfer may make it a bit stale =)

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