Above is one of my favorite quotes from the British comedy TV series, Jeeves and Wooster. If you want a laugh and like British humor, watch some of those. I was re-arranging my bookshelf to stuff some new things in and was listening to some of the J&W books-on-tape and thought I’d post some of my favorite quotes from the shows for your enjoyment – British Humor, I adore you!
- Bertie Wooster: [having just finished playing “Forty-Seven Ginger-Headed Sailors”] Really speaks to me, that song, you know, Jeeves.
- Jeeves: I’m sorry to hear that, sir.
- Bertie Wooster: Tell me, Jeeves, were you always like this, or did it come on suddenly?
- Jeeves: Sir?
- Bertie Wooster: The brain, the gray matter. Were you an outstandingly brilliant child?
- Jeeves: My mother thought me intelligent, sir.
- Bertie: Well, can’t go by that. My mother thought me intelligent.
- Bertie Wooster: [about the song “Good Night, Vienna”] I mean, fancy writing a song about saying good night to a whole city. I mean, you may as well say, “Good Afternoon, Manchester” or “Fancy Bumping into You, Basingstoke.”
- Jeeves: Yes, sir.
- Bertie Wooster: Or “I Didn’t See You at the Club Last Night, Cleethorpes.”
: I’m going inside. This fresh air is getting into my lungs.
[about the white mess jacket]
Jeeves: I assumed it had got into your wardrobe by mistake, sir, or else that it has been placed there by your enemies.
Bertie Wooster: I’ll have you know, Jeeves, that I bought this in Cannes!
Jeeves: And wore it, sir?
Bertie Wooster: Every night at the Casino. Beautiful women used to try and catch my eye!
Jeeves: Presumably they thought you were a waiter, sir.
Stiffy Byng: Bertie, I think you’re a pig!
Bertie Wooster: A pig, maybe. But a shrewd, level-headed pig. A pig who was not born yesterday and has seen a thing or two.
Roderick Spode: Nothing stands between us and our victory except defeat! Tomorrow is a new day! The future lies ahead!
Rev. Stinker Pinker: D’you know, I never thought of that.
Jeeves: Did you have a pleasant afternoon, sir?
Bertie Wooster: You have a cruel streak, Jeeves. I hadn’t realized it before. What blighter was it that invented the bicycle?
Jeeves: The first truly rideable machine was made by a Mr. Kirkpatrick Macmillan of Dumfriesshire in Scotland in, erm, 1839, I believe, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Ugh. Too late to do anything about it now, I suppose.
Jeeves: I fear so, sir
Bertie Wooster: Well, let me tell you, Mr. Mengelhoffen, that the man that hath no music in himself is fit for… hang on a minute. [goes into the other room, where Jeeves is peeling potatoes] Jeeves. What was it Shakespeare said the man that hadn’t music in himself was fit for?
Jeeves: Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.
Bertie Wooster: [returning] Treasons, stratagems, and spoils.
Mr. Mengelhoffen: What?
Bertie Wooster: That’s what he’s fit for. The man that hath no music in himself.
Bertie Wooster: This may well be it, Jeeves.
Jeeves: “It,” sir?
Bertie Wooster: Pitching the woo, Jeeves. Not to rule out popping the question. The lights will be low, the wine will be flowing…
Jeeves: I’m sure I wish you every good fortune, sir. I only hope the dog will not impede your endeavors.
Bertie Wooster: Patrick? Patrick will be warmly ensconced in your room, Jeeves.
Jeeves: It is, if you recall, sir, my evening off. I had promised myself a quiet evening with an improving book.
Bertie Wooster: Can’t you spend an evening with an improving dog?
Bertie Wooster: Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?
Jeeves: Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.
Waitress: One burger medium, one rare, and one ham and eggs over easy. [to Jeeves] You wanna shake with that?
Jeeves: No thank you, no, I shall, er, just sit here quietly, I think.
Waitress: [to Bertie] Is he being funny?
Bertie Wooster: No, he always talks like that. She means do you want a milkshake, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Oh! No, a cup of coffee, if you please.
Waitress: You got it. [walks away]
Jeeves: [looking around] Don’t think I have…
Bertie Wooster: [playing the piano] This Irving Berlin fellow seems to have come a bit of a cropper here, Jeeves.
Bertie Wooster: This new song of his. Too many words, not enough notes.
Jeeves: If you’ll pardon me for saying so, sir, it seems to be a reasonably straightforward syncopated 5/4 time signature. If you were to accent the words if, where, and fashion, I think you’ll find the correct rhythmic pattern would emerge.
Bertie Wooster: If, where, and fashion. Right. [playing and singing] “If you’re blue and you don’t know where to go to, why don’t you go where fashion sits, putting on the Ritz.” Well, he more or less gets away with it, Jeeves, but what about this? “Spangled gowns upon a beauty or hand-me-downs on clown and cutie, all misfits… putting on the Ritz”? Well, just as well for him he chose the Ritz, Jeeves. Imagine the trouble he’d have got into if he’d decided to write about putting on the Regency. Now, where do you suppose he’d find a rhyme for “Regency,” Jeeves?
Jeeves: Ah… “with due expediency,” sir?
Bertie Wooster: [trying it out on the piano] “With due expediency… putting on the Regency!” It doesn’t really work, does it, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Very true, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Tcha!
Stilton Cheesewright: Eh?
Bertie Wooster: I said “tcha!” scornfully, with ref. to F. Widgeon. I know his form backwards.
Stilton Cheesewright: He’s knocked off smoking, you know!
Bertie Wooster: No!
Stilton Cheesewright: He takes a cold bath every morning!
Bertie Wooster: [shrugs] He’s forgotten where the hot tap is.
Bertie Wooster: Ha! Do you ever feel like throwing open the window and shouting that the world is a wonderful place, Jeeves?
Madeline Bassett: [about Bertie] I think he’s having a brainstorm!
Aunt Agatha: What with?
- Jeeves: Erm… no, sir.
- Bertie Wooster: Or dancing in the street, scattering petals on the passers-by?
- Jeeves: Only infrequently, sir.
And now, on a totally different subject, I have an announcement to make!
In I-UNIT: TOP Secret, I have written a total of 21,000 words and 40 pages!!!!!!!!!
This is by far the fastest I’ve ever gone… SO fun!! I love writing!!! (No, really! I do!)